Hi, friends & Happy Sunday to you all. Today has been a rough one, to be completely honest. Usually, my weekends consist of cleaning before going shopping, out with friends, or for a family day. This morning, though, I didn’t want to get out of bed. I didn’t want to clean the house. I didn’t want coffee. I wanted to pull my blankets back over my head and just cry. I made myself get up though, but still didn’t have coffee or begin my cleaning routine. I scrolled through Facebook and a few group chats, then fell down on my bed, face first, because everything just felt so…..heavy.
I thought about dying today. Now, before you freak out – NO, I don’t have a plan. No, I am not unhappy with my life. Yes, I know Cyan needs me, and NO, I will absolutely never hurt myself as long as he shall live. But I did think about death and dying and the relief I would get from not having to feel any of the feelings anymore. I cried on the bed as my son tickled my underarms, trying to make me laugh and make me happy. I explained to him that I was sick and just didn’t feel right today, which is true. I am sick. Mental illness is still an illness, and though I’m a happy person and I take my meds (most of the time….) some days are just harder than others.
This morning, I felt like the world was crashing down around me for really no reason at all. I began isolation almost instinctually. I started removing myself from groups on social media, then decided it was probably best to deactivate my Facebook all together. To my Sisters, if you’re reading this – I love you and I’ll be back soon. So I did. I kept Instagram, because for whatever reason, I don’t feel obligated to talk to people there… Isn’t it so weird? I’m a social person, a happy person. I just feel things, sometimes ALL THE THINGS at the same time, like today.
I let Cordelia Moon nap on my chest for awhile, as I lay there staring at the ceiling, wishing once again that I could be “normal.” It was soon time to take Cyan to visit his grandma for a few hours, so we hopped in the car and went to meet with her. On the way, we stopped for snacks and fountain drinks, because seeing Cyan happy makes me feel more okay. After I dropped him off, I came back to town and stopped at Old Navy. I feel I’ve mentioned it before, but I’ll tell you again – gifting is my expressive love language. I wanted to feel something other than the weight on my shoulders, so I chose love and went all out, buying Cyan shirts and pants and outerwear. Some people may disagree, feeling like I’m spoiling Cy with clothes to compensate for my mental illness. That may be a little true, but for me, it’s a distraction – a release of endorphins, as I’m doing something out of love for someone other than myself.
It’s hard to love myself on these days. I feel broken and just….weird. The feeling usually dissipates in time. It did today, anyway. I still don’t feel cheerful or like my usual self. I need rest – depression is exhausting and I am SO OVER this emotional roller coaster. I’m ready to get my boy home, let him try on his new clothes, make some chai tea and snuggle the crap out of him. I’m ready for good things and for rest.
I hope your Sunday was light and airy, filled with joy and warmth and all the good things. I hope you were able to be with your family or your friends and that you got your fill of yummy food. If you didn’t though, and your Sunday was anything like mine, please know that you aren’t alone, and that this darkness won’t last forever.