Down, down, down–
Into a black abyss.
TRIGGER WARNING – This post contains information about the current status of my mental health, which includes depression, episodes of darkness, etc. Discretion is advised if any of these topics act as triggers toward your own mental health. Thank you.
You know your depression is getting worse when you spend an hour and a half dressing up for Halloween with your BFF, only to take a mental nose-dive and want nothing other than to lay in the darkness of your own room, hoping that maybe when you fall asleep, you won’t wake up…. That was me less than 24 hours ago, and I hate it.
I’ve been taking Cymbalta for the last few months, and I’ve noticed a difference in the way my depression hits. Instead of easing into it and dealing with it for 7-10 days, it hits me like a brick and only sticks around for 3 days or so. The lesser of two evils, maybe? I can’t say that I have been overly consistent in taking this medication, and I can’t say that makes me feel good either. Before I went back to my doctor last week, I had been out of my medication for almost 7 days, but I convinced myself that everything would be just fine. During last week’s appointment, my doctor prescribed Wellbutrin in conjunction with Cymbalta, suggesting that it would help to even out the rest of my depressive episodes (one can only hope!)
I didn’t pick up my prescriptions until today, meaning that I have been off my meds for over a week. If I was going to put two and two together, I would guess that the come down from my Cymbalta was to blame for the out-of-nowhere feelings of hopelessness, darkness, and desire to walk into moving traffic.
I spoke with one of my bff’s today who (sadly and thankfully) can relate completely to everything I’ve been going through. She put it best when she said, “You’re not crazy, Calyn. You’ve been through some shit, and on top of it, your brain fights you. It’s not really you. YOU don’t really want to die, you just desperately want it all to stop.” Those words couldn’t be more true. I don’t want to leave Cyan. I don’t want to miss out on his life or my own, really. I just wish everything would stop feeling so HEAVY–especially for no reason.
I took my first dose of Wellbutrin today, along with my Cymbalta. After the darkness that came with the morning, I’m actually feeling okay. I am looking forward to tomorrow, sort of anxious to see if the feelings of positivity stick around. In my clear mind, I want to encourage you to REACH OUT to a friend or a sibling (even me, if you want) if you are having feelings of emptiness, hopelessness, or thoughts of suicide. It’s hard to see past the enveloping darkness on your own, which is why it’s important to have someone on the outside looking in.
National Suicide Hotline
Can I tell you that there are so many other things I would love to be writing about right now? I got a new eye shadow palette on Friday, and I LOVE IT. I want to be posting reviews about makeup and funny stories about my doggos and sharing my happiness with you all, but I also want to be transparent with y’all about the reality of mental health. Depression doesn’t always look like sweatpants and dirty hair and crying day in & day out–sometimes it looks like getting up and putting on makeup, faking smiles all day, and wishing your responsibilities included nothing but laying in bed alone, maybe never waking up..